Internal conflict
Internal conflict
I have been struggling with an internal conflict for many years. When I wanted to change something, I denied it right away. I blocked my feelings efficiently and I could not trust myself. I had lost myself in a jungle of unspoken words and feelings for many years. I was my harshest judge. I studied hard and persistently at school to be a straight-five [4] student. I performed my work duties diligently, as fast and as I could to satisfy my boss. I said what others wanted to hear controlled by fear so as not to displease anyone and not to be subject to being given the opinions of others. The word ‘opinion’ had very negative connotations to me. In one job where I worked for two years, we were given opinions at the end of the calendar year and in December the boss would talk to us about our achievements. I always felt bad during those conversations as if I had done something wrong and as if I had been about to be judged. I always had the impression of being at the end of the list. Even if I was good at something and I had the reason to be content, I pushed that aside not to be considered selfish or egoistic. I always found faults and shortcomings in myself instead of being happy with my little achievements which could rise into large achievements in the future but something held me back.
It was nothing.
Every time I was successful, I diminished it by saying that it was nothing. I often heard bad opinions about myself and I believed in them without questioning them. I wondered why others achieved what they wanted and I – while having dreamt of writing books for a long time – kept ending up in places which had little to do with my dreams. My internal conflict was deeply imprinted in me and it was so that my heart told me to write books and my mind protested saying: “What did you make up again? What experience do you have to write books and what do you want to convey in them, you are to go to a regular job like everybody else and who are you to have such dreams?” Furious thoughts kept being loud. Maybe in your head there are often wonderful views of a dream life, a relationship, a home, a satisfying job and in the other life – the real one – you live below your expectations, you work to pay bills, the loan interests for your kids to have a better life, you spend every day performing activities which ought to be performed and what about your dreams? The ones buried deep, ready to be discovered. Why do you keep defending yourself from happiness and escape into routine and monotony? Why do you lock yourself in relationships that do not agree with you? Do you agree to a job which you do not like? Why do you not try to pick up the gloves thrown on the ground before you and decide to show yourself to the world, your talents and individualities? Why is there so much uncertainty and the feeling that it is better to be in the shade and lead a proper, ‘normal’ life? Is it not better to be happy and fulfilled, to listen to the voice of your heart instead of constantly listening to the advice of your inner critic who behaves like a drunken gardener in the garden called the mind? Why are there so many contradictions in you?We want one thing and we do something else.
By being afraid to leave our comfort zone, we remain in a gray reality, silencing the voice in our heart that tells us what to do so that it would be better. Most signs of individuality and expressing feelings were blocked and, for instance, you could not be angry because it was not proper but you could be sad. That is how a value system changes and every time when you are angry, you will change that emotion into fear and there will be an iceberg of emotions in you which you will not be able to decode. How to trust yourself when there are so many emotions hidden in us? If you were rejected by one parent or siblings in your childhood, you could have pushed related emotions into yourself in order not to feel more pain and you closed yourself off to some emotions forming an unseen circle which keeps suggesting that you must be cold to others in order not to feel pain or rejection. Internal conflicts are often unrecognized and they often block our expression and showing feelings. When I was in a toxic relationship, I had an internal conflict, too. I wanted a friendly, supporting relationship which would have given me a sense of safety but I only got a substitute of that. Daily fights about little, down-to-earth matters transformed themselves into an element which could not be defeated. Fear that I could not be myself and express myself naturally made its place in my heart. Prohibitions and commands began. Something which took my breath and private space away caused me to feel more and more trapped. I loved with my entire heart and I felt that it was not my place at the same time, for I wanted to be myself and I could not express what I felt.
I slowly stopped being in touch with myself, my daily fight of thoughts kept finishing me off and kept taking away my energy to act and to do beautiful things, I lost myself in what was there while not wanting to be there at the same time. I thought that what my mind was telling me was the sacred truth and I believed in that voice, calling myself the worst names when I reflected on my life again. I felt sadness, craving a good marriage and looking at what had happened to it over the years. I could not come to terms with the thought that it was time to change that and not be stuck in a relationship which once seemed to be ‘forever’. I asked myself back then: “What will you do, how will you manage? How will you find yourself in a new life? Such questions frightened me so I wanted to silence them with a familiar voice of my inner critic. It hurt for a couple of days but then I was in my camouflaged world again which had its own rules but at least I knew how to prosper in it and I did not want wounds to hurt me more. I silenced my emotions for many years.
A voice in my heart won
One day a voice in my heart won and I decided to bet everything on one card. I applied for a divorce. I did not know what would happen, I did not know the consequences of it but I made a decision for a better tomorrow and I stopped being afraid. You can trust this voice one hundred percent. Had I not convinced myself that I could start a better life, I would not be writing this book for you, I would not have gotten a divorce and I would have not quit a harmful job. If your heart tells you what to do, follow this path. It does not have to be the path that everyone follows. Find your own path and follow it. There are a million reasons to discover yourself and follow the path to where you want to be.
Summery
Do not criticize yourself. This inner voice is always unhappy and suggests negative thoughts. Doubt these negative thoughts and act contrary to them. Surely not to close yourself off from the world. There is great power in you which is just waiting to be discovered .
