It’s About Them... Not You
It’s About Them... Not You
Do you notice what all of those things have in common? If you truly want to become a developer of people, it can’t be about you. You’re not the center of the relationship; the other person is. You may not even get the credit for helping them grow. (In fact, most likely you won’t.) That can’t be why you’re doing it. You have to do it for them. If you’re thinking that you hope one day to be “the wise one,” always ready with some answer or solution, then you’re already starting from a deficit.
The ripples of genuine life change can only radiate out from a center of humility. Only if you’re willing to invest yourself into another person’s life will you be able to develop them. If you can authentically earn their trust, and on the terms that they need, only then will you be in a position where they’ll be willing to learn from you. If you’ve wanted to be a better developer of people in the past, but you’ve struggled to get good at it, be encouraged: you can do this. Maybe all you need is to turn over a new leaf: learn to make the other person the center of attention, and to help them discover how to pursue becoming the person God made them to be. Anytime we’re not sure where to start, it’s always a good idea to look to Jesus. In Matthew 20, Jesus set the example for how we can make others the center of attention. In verse 20, the mother of James and John comes to Jesus and, kneeling down, asks a favor of him: What is it you want?” he asked. She said, “Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.” You don’t know what you are asking,” Jesus said to them. “Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?” We can,” they answered.
Jesus said to them, “You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father.” When the ten heard about this, they were indignant with the two brothers. Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave — just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
(Matthew 20:20-28, NIV)
She was asking for something that would elevate her sons to a position higher than that of Jesus’ other disciples. Now let’s look at how Jesus responds. First, he checks in with them to see if they’d even be willing to do what it would take to get there. Would they be willing to suffer equally with him? Self-sacrifice? They say that they would. Then Jesus acknowledges that they would, essentially validating that their motives are right. But then Jesus takes a sharp turn. He explains that even though that kind of influence is possible, it isn’t achieved in the ways that we might expect: through power, authority, knowledge, and other means we might consider more “conventional.” No, he says that instead, influence results from helping others. He says that those who want to be servants. He then takes that further
— “whoever wants to be first must be your slave” —
indicating that there are actually degrees of servanthood. This gets right to the heart of what our mindset should be as people-developers. the degree of our influence in a person’s life is directly tied to how much we help them Influence in another person’s life is not about you, not about your agenda, not about your wisdom. It’s about them. You simply need to be committed to helping others be all that God made them to be.
Each of us has several roles that we play in the lives of others:
- As parents, fostering growth in our kids is not about asserting our authority or being viewed as great parents; it’s about enabling our kids to become who God made them to be.
- As leaders, fostering growth is not about our authority or position; it’s about how well we empower our charges to succeed in their role and become who God made them to be.
- As mentors, fostering growth isn’t about building our reputation as the local Solomon; it’s about equipping others to think for themselves, to choose to act, and to discover more confidence and self-awareness.
- As small group leaders, fostering growth isn’t about convincing others to think of us as great teachers or even facilitators; it’s about fostering group discussion that leads each person in the group to accept responsibility, become more self-aware, and choose steps that will lead them toward growth.
